i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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