if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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