just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
