accomplished twins. life is a go
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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