we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize