So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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