shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
