Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize