The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
