my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
