You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize