I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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