turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
