I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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