I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
