So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
