Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you made out with another girl for some wings
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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