R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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