So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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