Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
