My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
