Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
