Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
