Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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