just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
