Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
