Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
