while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
