Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
