so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
