Got a toothbrush?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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