he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
