i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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