Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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