last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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