My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
as a side note pls kill me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
