We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
