We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
