hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
