I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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