Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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