I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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