"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
