Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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