fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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