Swine flu. Run for my life!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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