i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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