I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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