glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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