She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
