i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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