i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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