The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize