my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
