Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've blown a few things in my day
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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