Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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